Important message from 16 years ago.
Let this information inspire you to read to the children in your life.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
The Problems Of Being The Oldest Child
The Problems Of Being The Oldest Child
1. First, it starts when they enter the world. Younger siblings are like new toys and you’re old news.2. Your parents placed RIDICULOUSLY high expectations on you because you’re the test child.
3. They’re also just WAY more strict. Like, you definitely didn’t get to see PG-13 movies until you were actually 13.
4. And they get to stay up wayyyy later and watch more TV than when you were their age.
5. But for your younger siblings, your parents will give less hands on. The youngest can basically get away with murder.
6. You were expected to pass down your wisdom to your siblings on everything from the SATs to college applications.
7. You were expected to be “the responsible one” as if the fact your mom’s giving birth to you first made you a better person. OK, it did, but still.
8. But when you did act “in charge,” you were called “bossy” or worse.
9. And there is a very, very good chance you have a type-A personality. DEAL WITH IT.
10. This meant you were always supposed to “set a good example” for your younger siblings. So every time you got into trouble, it was magnified by like, tenfold.
11. But when your younger siblings tried to get away with anything, your parents would explain it away like, “They’re younger, they don’t know any better.” MOM, HE’S 14 NOW, HE DOES KNOW BETTER.
12. And when YOU got into trouble because you are older and are “supposed to know better.”
13. Then, there were those times your siblings tried to copy your style and it drove you INSANE.
14. And if they weren’t trying to be as ~trendy~ as you, they were wearing your hand-me-downs. But they definitely didn’t look as good in them as you did.
15. And it wasn’t just clothes. They wanted to play the same sports as you, or the same instrument, or just try to make your “thing” their “thing.”
16. Your siblings also got stuff WAY earlier than you did. Like, while you got your cell phone in high school, your youngest sibling got it when they were like 12.
17. Your parents also treated you like a private tutor for your siblings, as if you didn’t have enough on your plate already.
18. And you had to “watch” your siblings, aka babysit them, because Mom didn’t want to pay for a babysitter.
19. Your younger siblings will ALWAYS want to hang out with your friends, because it makes them feel older and cooler.
20. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work both ways, because you would never be caught dead hanging with your sibling’s friends.
21. You are always SHOCKED when your younger siblings hit a new benchmark in their lives, like high school or college and you realize they are not so little anymore!
Sunday, June 1, 2014
American Mothers With Real Modern-day Heroes!
Thank you, California American Mothers, for allowing us to listen and learn from two real, modern day super heroes! Tim Ballard www.ourrescure.org and Elizabeth Smart! The best quote or advice of the weekend for me was given to Elizabeth Smart by her Mother the day after she had been rescued. "Elizabeth… your captors took nine months of your life from you. You will never get it back but the best thing you can do is not give them another day of your life!" What great advice for all of us. Look forward after going through adversity. Never let the bad that has happened ruin our present and future.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Dealing With Teens by Megan Devine, LCPC
You know the drill: you’re trying to talk to your teen about curfew. Or dinner. Or absolutely anything—and they pretend they can’t hear you. They start an argument with you, or give you an eye roll and a "Whatever." Or they turn up their music. They won’t lift their eyes from their screens. They scoff or grunt in your general direction. There’s no eye contact, no acknowledgement, and absolutely no hint of, “Yes, Mom, I understand what you’re saying to me.”
"Your teen tunes you out because he can—after all, you can’t force him to listen."
Why It Can Be So Hard to Communicate with Teens
Look, defiance and annoying behavior is par for the course when you’re parenting teens. I’m not talking about abusive behavior; I mean those little everyday acts of defiance. This is when your child tunes you out, rolls their eyes, and refuses to speak clearly in whole sentences. Do you know why teens do this? They do it because they CAN!
Understand that ignoring you gives your child a sense of power. Your kids watch you they know what pushes your buttons. Ignoring you makes them feel as if they have a little bit of control in a situation where they might feel they have none. One of the only things entirely in their control is where they focus their attention. They tune you out because they can; they do it because you can’t force them to listen.
The trick here for parents is not to engage in the battle of inattention. As with any power struggle, the more you try to make your teen behave the way you want, the more your child will resist. If you get into an argument about his rude indifference, rather than (for example) about following curfew, in a sense your child wins. This is because he’s moved you off of the curfew issue (where he actually doesn’t have any power) and into an arena where he does have power: choosing to ignore you.
In other words, if your teen can draw you into a power struggle, he won’t have to hear about the rules. If your tween daughter can appear to not be listening, she can later claim complete lack of knowledge of the rules. And if they’re clearly not listening to you, how can they be held accountable? They may as well stick their fingers in their ears, shut their eyes tight, and say “La la la la la—I can’t hear you!” like an over-grown toddler.
Power Struggles, Rudeness and Indifference
Given that feigning indifference and refusing to engage in polite conversation is typical during the teen years, how can you effectively communicate with your kids so they will hear you?
Here’s one way to deal with your teen’s lack of listening skills: act as if they hear you. If you know your child has no hearing deficiency and does not currently have ear phones on—and you are speaking clearly in a language she also speaks—assume she can hear you. Look at her and state your rules and expectations clearly and calmly: “In order to have the car in the morning, you have to be back home by 9 pm tonight. I know you want the privilege of driving, so be sure you make it home by 9.”
If she claims she didn’t hear you when she wanders in at five past ten, instead of arguing about her listening skills, you can say: “You know the rules. You didn’t make it home by nine, so no car in the morning. You get to try again tomorrow night. In by 9, you get the car the following day.” Don’t get sucked into a power struggle with her. If she tries to pull you in, turn around and leave the room.
See how that works? When you sidestep the power struggle over communication styles, you are able to focus on the topic at hand and deliver your expectations clearly. Do what you can to be clear and direct, even when talking to the back of your child’s head as she stares at a cell phone screen. Then hold her accountable for her choices. Don’t debate whether or not she heard you—that’s a detour conversation, and it won’t get you to where you need to be.
If holding your child accountable routinely devolves into your teen saying “But I didn’t hear you!” you could have a brief discussion about paying attention and how she might listen differently next time. Remember, if you keep your cool and stay focused, everything is teachable.
To be sure your message is coming through loud and clear, remember these tips:
1. Keep your eyes on the prize. What’s your goal? What is the one piece of information you want to relay to your child? State your information clearly and don’t allow your child to drag you off course.
2. Don’t take it personally. When your child ignores you, yells at you or pretends not to hear, remember that he’s trying to feel more powerful in this situation. Remind yourself that a power struggle or screaming match will only make things worse. Even if you're annoyed, keep calm and state the facts. If he tries to pull you in, turn around and leave. You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.
3. Don’t debate your rules. If your teen lobs a zinger at you in order to start an argument, keep the conversation focused on your expectations, not on your teen’s ideas about fairness. The truth is, if you argue about your rules with your teen, it leads him to believe the rules are changeable. Instead, stick with the facts: “I know you disagree with the rules, and you’d rather not listen to me. The truth is, you don’t have to like the rules—you just have to find a way to follow them.”
Remember, keep your cool, stay focused on the issue at hand and don’t let your child knock you off topic. Believe me, your teen knows that eye rolling, muttering under his breath and having a bad attitude irritate you. He’s doing it on purpose. The more you insist that he demonstrates “active listening” (in other words, paying attention politely and acknowledging your request), the more he will fight to ignore you. Don’t go there. Repeat this mantra: “Power struggles are never a good use of my time.”
Parenting in the Age of Texting
I’m personally not a fan of parenting-by-text. I know, I know: some people swear by it. Some parents even have whole conversations with their teens about rules and expectations via text. You might even feel like, if it weren’t for texts, you’d never have any contact with your child at all.
While it’s true that text messages can be a good way to keep in touch with your teen, I would encourage you to have more important conversations in person. Do the big work of presenting rules, consequences, and expected behavior when you and your teen are in the same room. Try to stick with the phone for quick reminders and encouragement. For example, this text: “I know you want the car in the morning, so remember to get yourself home by 9,” is a better use of texting than a whole long argument about why your daughter needs to be home, threatening to take away the car, or trying to get her to engage in dialogue with you about other things. There’s just too much room for misinterpretation, claims of “not getting that text,” and all sorts of other things that get in the way of clear, direct communication. Bottom line? Use text messages as reminders of your expectations, not as a way to discuss your expectations.
What You Can Control: Your Own Response
When your child moves beyond the silent treatment and yells or fights with you, it’s even more important to control your own responses. There’s no reason to keep engaging with your teen if they’re being verbally abusive. An effective way to deal with this situation is to say: “Don’t talk to me like that; I don’t like it. The rules don’t change just because you yell at me about them.”
Friday, May 16, 2014
Thoughts on Motherthood
Mother... Is A Verb
by Eileen Starr
“A noun!” you say?
It’s true some way…
But more superb:
It IS a verb.
Mothering is caring
And listening and sharing,
Encouraging and tending,
And ever ever mending.
Most any breed:
A child in need,
Or dog or cat
What’s wrong with that?
Mothering is seeking,
Refraining from critiquing,
At times, together grieving.
Perceiving and believing.
So what’s the word?
A noun? Absurd!
Not to disturb….
It IS a verb…
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Victors or Victims
When I hear someone say, “If momma ‘aint happy ‘aint nobody happy! I imagine an ornery mother chasing children with a wooden spoon. I’m sure that is not true for most families but as Mothers, we do set the tone in our home.
Life can either be a comedy or a tragedy and we have to decide to choose laughter over tears! It is our Attitude that defines our Altitude.
An experience that helped me recognize the importance of laughter came when my husband Ron was just beginning to recover from a surgery that had left him as an “incomplete quadriplegic."
I was on high alert during the night in case he needed help. Being a man he really didn’t want my constant hovering. One night he quietly snuck out of bed on legs that could hardly function when I heard a crash. I flew out of bed trying to find him in the dark. But in my haste I tripped over his leg and fell on top of him. In a seductive voice he said, “Well hello! I knew I could make you fall for me again!” That was the first time after his injury that I actually laughed and it felt GREAT!
The key is to teach our children that we can’t always choose the path that we walk in life but we can always choose the manner in which we walk it.
Our family like all families have had our share of trials. Through-out those challenges we have seen some of our family grow and become stronger, while yet others, sadly responded in destructive ways.
The chilling words from a son-in-law have come back to haunt me as he looked down on my husband’s paralyzed body and said, “Dad, If I were you I would just kill myself!” We had no way of knowing that five years later he would take his own life.
I wish our son-in-law could have embraced these words from Albert Einstein when he said, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle!”
I recently received a phone call from a friend. She unloaded a pile of issues, from trials with her marriage to misbehaving children. She truly had every reason to cry.
She said, “Melanie you have had so many trials and now you lost a son, how do you keep going on?!” I told her that, “We have to Be willing and able to say to the Lord, ‘Thy will be done!’, and REALLY mean it!” We are the ones that choose whether we are Victors or Victims.
When we feel we are Standing in the Middle of our Greatest Failures, we may actually be Standing in the Moment of our Greatest Triumph as we help our children learn how they too can Move Forward and Make a Difference!
Melanie Stoker
2014 Utah Young Mother of the Year
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Teaching Independence
As I got out of my car at the gas station I noticed a lady at the pump just ahead of me with tears coming down her cheeks struggling with the nozzle. I approached her to see if I could be of assistance. She broke down even more as she told me her husband had just died and he had always handled this part of daily living. She had never put fuel in her car before. I instructed her how to remove the cap from the gas tank, insert her credit card, showed her how to remove the nozzle and select the grade of gasoline and then talked with her as she filled her car with gas. I got back in my car happy I could help yet upset at her husband for not teaching his wife to be independent enough to survive in this world we live in. I’m sure he felt it was his manly duty to chivalrously protect her. I assume it worked both ways, as there were probably things he had never done around the home that she always just handled too.
I compared this to a young friend that one of my children had while growing up. He was an only child and was doted on by his overly protective mother. She was divorced and only had her son to care for. He accompanied our family to a sports event while there we bought everyone a hotdog. As we were putting the condiments on our food he just stood there. I asked him if there was a concern and he gave me this lost look and said he had never prepared his hot dog before and needed help. This may not sound unusual but the young man was 16-years-old. This behavior is cute when they are two but at sixteen we have a problem.
Our goal is to raise them to leave home, not enable them so they have to stay home!
I have thought much about the fine line in doing too much for our children and doing too little to help them. Our goal should be to teach them to be industrious and self-reliant. How do we teach them to fish so they can feed themselves?
In this short article let me expound on only two points that can make a difference in your child’s life. First is example. I had two sons who bicycled across the United States. Upon arriving home they talked about all the economically diverse areas they had pedaled through. They were astounded that in the middle of the day some families would be sitting on their porches just watching the world pass by. Grandfather, father and sons were all sitting there at a home that was broken down and in need of repair. This made a great impression on my sons and we talked about how generational patterns are passed down from father to son-to-son and so on. Idleness is a disease that is taught not caught. Make a difference in your family and, as parents, set the example of industry. It is work that spells the difference in life. It is stretching our minds and utilizing the skills of our hands that lift us from mediocrity.
The second point is entitlement. Being compensated just because as individuals they exist is the wrong reason for receiving anything. You don’t get a car just because you turn 16. A day’s work for a day’s pay should be the rule not the exception. Just because you live in a family is not the reason for getting spending money. An allowance has value and meaning only when one puts forth commensurate work and takes upon oneself accountability. In a family unit everyone needs to pull together, chores should be expected. This teaches a responsibility outside of oneself and that we help take care of each other. A wise woman (my mother) once told me, “Never do anything for your children that they can do for themselves.”
The best concept you can teach your children is the joy in accountability and responsibility of oneself and those around them. There is a joy that comes in earning and paying your own way. We need to teach them how to fish to take care of their own needs but these teachings will be passed on to their own children as well. Your example and attitudes will influence generations yet to come.
Work is therapy for the soul. We cannot simply sit around and do nothing and expect to be successful. We need to do all that is in our power to accomplish our goals.
Contributed by: Bev, from California
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)