The Problems Of Being The Oldest Child

The Problems Of Being The Oldest Child

1. First, it starts when they enter the world. Younger siblings are like new toys and you’re old news.
2. Your parents placed RIDICULOUSLY high expectations on you because you’re the test child.
3. They’re also just WAY more strict. Like, you definitely didn’t get to see PG-13 movies until you were actually 13.
4. And they get to stay up wayyyy later and watch more TV than when you were their age.
5. But for your younger siblings, your parents will give less hands on. The youngest can basically get away with murder.
6. You were expected to pass down your wisdom to your siblings on everything from the SATs to college applications.
7. You were expected to be “the responsible one” as if the fact your mom’s giving birth to you first made you a better person. OK, it did, but still.
8. But when you did act “in charge,” you were called “bossy” or worse.
9. And there is a very, very good chance you have a type-A personality. DEAL WITH IT.
10. This meant you were always supposed to “set a good example” for your younger siblings. So every time you got into trouble, it was magnified by like, tenfold.
11. But when your younger siblings tried to get away with anything, your parents would explain it away like, “They’re younger, they don’t know any better.” MOM, HE’S 14 NOW, HE DOES KNOW BETTER.
12. And when YOU got into trouble because you are older and are “supposed to know better.”
13. Then, there were those times your siblings tried to copy your style and it drove you INSANE.
14. And if they weren’t trying to be as ~trendy~ as you, they were wearing your hand-me-downs. But they definitely didn’t look as good in them as you did.
15. And it wasn’t just clothes. They wanted to play the same sports as you, or the same instrument, or just try to make your “thing” their “thing.”
16. Your siblings also got stuff WAY earlier than you did. Like, while you got your cell phone in high school, your youngest sibling got it when they were like 12.
17. Your parents also treated you like a private tutor for your siblings, as if you didn’t have enough on your plate already.
18. And you had to “watch” your siblings, aka babysit them, because Mom didn’t want to pay for a babysitter.
19. Your younger siblings will ALWAYS want to hang out with your friends, because it makes them feel older and cooler.
20. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work both ways, because you would never be caught dead hanging with your sibling’s friends.
21. You are always SHOCKED when your younger siblings hit a new benchmark in their lives, like high school or college and you realize they are not so little anymore!

Dealing With Teens by Megan Devine, LCPC

You know the drill: you’re trying to talk to your teen about curfew. Or dinner. Or absolutely anything—and they pretend they can’t hear you. They start an argument with you, or give you an eye roll and a "Whatever." Or they turn up their music. They won’t lift their eyes from their screens. They scoff or grunt in your general direction. There’s no eye contact, no acknowledgement, and absolutely no hint of, “Yes, Mom, I understand what you’re saying to me.”

"Your teen tunes you out because he can—after all, you can’t force him to listen."

Why It Can Be So Hard to Communicate with Teens

Look, defiance and annoying behavior is par for the course when you’re parenting teens. I’m not talking about abusive behavior; I mean those little everyday acts of defiance. This is when your child tunes you out, rolls their eyes, and refuses to speak clearly in whole sentences. Do you know why teens do this?  They do it because they CAN!

Understand that ignoring you gives your child a sense of power. Your kids watch you they know what pushes your buttons. Ignoring you makes them feel as if they have a little bit of control in a situation where they might feel they have none. One of the only things entirely in their control is where they focus their attention. They tune you out because they can; they do it because you can’t force them to listen.

The trick here for parents is not to engage in the battle of inattention. As with any power struggle, the more you try to make your teen behave the way you want, the more your child will resist. If you get into an argument about his rude indifference, rather than (for example) about following curfew, in a sense your child wins. This is because he’s moved you off of the curfew issue (where he actually doesn’t have any power) and into an arena where he does have power: choosing to ignore you.

In other words, if your teen can draw you into a power struggle, he won’t have to hear about the rules. If your tween daughter can appear to not be listening, she can later claim complete lack of knowledge of the rules. And if they’re clearly not listening to you, how can they be held accountable? They may as well stick their fingers in their ears, shut their eyes tight, and say “La la la la la—I can’t hear you!” like an over-grown toddler.

Power Struggles, Rudeness and Indifference

Given that feigning indifference and refusing to engage in polite conversation is typical during the teen years, how can you effectively communicate with your kids so they will hear you?

Here’s one way to deal with your teen’s lack of listening skills: act as if they hear you. If you know your child has no hearing deficiency and does not currently have ear phones on—and you are speaking clearly in a language she also speaks—assume she can hear you. Look at her and state your rules and expectations clearly and calmly: “In order to have the car in the morning, you have to be back home by 9 pm tonight. I know you want the privilege of driving, so be sure you make it home by 9.”

If she claims she didn’t hear you when she wanders in at five past ten, instead of arguing about her listening skills, you can say: “You know the rules. You didn’t make it home by nine, so no car in the morning. You get to try again tomorrow night. In by 9, you get the car the following day.” Don’t get sucked into a power struggle with her. If she tries to pull you in, turn around and leave the room.

See how that works? When you sidestep the power struggle over communication styles, you are able to focus on the topic at hand and deliver your expectations clearly. Do what you can to be clear and direct, even when talking to the back of your child’s head as she stares at a cell phone screen. Then hold her accountable for her choices. Don’t debate whether or not she heard you—that’s a detour conversation, and it won’t get you to where you need to be.

If holding your child accountable routinely devolves into your teen saying “But I didn’t hear you!” you could have a brief discussion about paying attention and how she might listen differently next time. Remember, if you keep your cool and stay focused, everything is teachable.

To be sure your message is coming through loud and clear, remember these tips:

1. Keep your eyes on the prize. What’s your goal? What is the one piece of information you want to relay to your child? State your information clearly and don’t allow your child to drag you off course.

2. Don’t take it personally. When your child ignores you, yells at you or pretends not to hear, remember that he’s trying to feel more powerful in this situation. Remind yourself that a power struggle or screaming match will only make things worse. Even if you're annoyed, keep calm and state the facts. If he tries to pull you in, turn around and leave. You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.

3. Don’t debate your rules. If your teen lobs a zinger at you in order to start an argument, keep the conversation focused on your expectations, not on your teen’s ideas about fairness. The truth is, if you argue about your rules with your teen, it leads him to believe the rules are changeable. Instead, stick with the facts: “I know you disagree with the rules, and you’d rather not listen to me. The truth is, you don’t have to like the rules—you just have to find a way to follow them.”

Remember, keep your cool, stay focused on the issue at hand and don’t let your child knock you off topic. Believe me, your teen knows that eye rolling, muttering under his breath and having a bad attitude irritate you. He’s doing it on purpose. The more you insist that he demonstrates “active listening” (in other words, paying attention politely and acknowledging your request), the more he will fight to ignore you. Don’t go there. Repeat this mantra: “Power struggles are never a good use of my time.”

Parenting in the Age of Texting

I’m personally not a fan of parenting-by-text. I know, I know: some people swear by it. Some parents even have whole conversations with their teens about rules and expectations via text. You might even feel like, if it weren’t for texts, you’d never have any contact with your child at all.

While it’s true that text messages can be a good way to keep in touch with your teen, I would encourage you to have more important conversations in person. Do the big work of presenting rules, consequences, and expected behavior when you and your teen are in the same room. Try to stick with the phone for quick reminders and encouragement. For example, this text: “I know you want the car in the morning, so remember to get yourself home by 9,” is a better use of texting than a whole long argument about why your daughter needs to be home, threatening to take away the car, or trying to get her to engage in dialogue with you about other things. There’s just too much room for misinterpretation, claims of “not getting that text,” and all sorts of other things that get in the way of clear, direct communication.  Bottom line? Use text messages as reminders of your expectations, not as a way to discuss your expectations.

What You Can Control: Your Own Response

When your child moves beyond the silent treatment and yells or fights with you, it’s even more important to control your own responses. There’s no reason to keep engaging with your teen if they’re being verbally abusive. An effective way to deal with this situation is to say: “Don’t talk to me like that; I don’t like it. The rules don’t change just because you yell at me about them.”

Victors or Victims

When I hear someone say, “If momma ‘aint happy ‘aint nobody happy!  I imagine an ornery mother chasing children with a wooden spoon.  I’m sure that is not true for most families but as Mothers, we do set the tone in our home.

Life can either be a comedy or a tragedy and we have to decide to choose laughter over tears!  It is our Attitude that defines our Altitude.

An experience that helped me recognize the importance of laughter came when my husband Ron was just beginning to recover from a surgery that had left him as an “incomplete quadriplegic."

I was on high alert during the night in case he needed help.  Being a man he really didn’t want my constant hovering.  One night he quietly snuck out of bed on legs that could hardly function when I heard a crash. I flew out of bed trying to find him in the dark.  But in my haste I tripped over his leg and fell on top of him.  In a seductive voice he said, “Well hello!  I knew I could make you fall for me again!”  That was the first time after his injury that I actually laughed and it felt GREAT!

The key is to teach our children that we can’t always choose the path that we walk in life but we can always choose the manner in which we walk it.

Our family like all families have had our share of trials.  Through-out those challenges we have seen some of our family grow and become stronger, while yet others, sadly responded in destructive ways. 

The chilling words from a son-in-law have come back to haunt me as he looked down on my husband’s paralyzed body and said, “Dad, If I were you I would just kill myself!”  We had no way of knowing that five years later he would take his own life.

I wish our son-in-law could have embraced these words from Albert Einstein when he said, “There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle!”

I recently received a phone call from a friend.  She unloaded a pile of issues, from trials with her marriage to misbehaving children.  She truly had every reason to cry.

She said, “Melanie you have had so many trials and now you lost a son, how do you keep going on?!”  I told her that, “We have to Be willing and able to say to the Lord, ‘Thy will be done!’, and REALLY mean it!”  We are the ones that choose whether we are Victors or Victims.

When we feel we are Standing in the Middle of our Greatest Failures, we may actually be Standing in the Moment of our Greatest Triumph as we help our children learn how they too can Move Forward and Make a Difference!

Melanie Stoker

2014 Utah Young Mother of the Year

Teaching Independence

As I got out of my car at the gas station I noticed a lady at the pump just ahead of me with tears coming down her cheeks struggling with the nozzle. I approached her to see if I could be of assistance. She broke down even more as she told me her husband had just died and he had always handled this part of daily living. She had never put fuel in her car before. I instructed her how to remove the cap from the gas tank, insert her credit card, showed her how to remove the nozzle and select the grade of gasoline and then talked with her as she filled her car with gas. I got back in my car happy I could help yet upset at her husband for not teaching his wife to be independent enough to survive in this world we live in. I’m sure he felt it was his manly duty to chivalrously protect her. I assume it worked both ways, as there were probably things he had never done around the home that she always just handled too.

I compared this to a young friend that one of my children had while growing up. He was an only child and was doted on by his overly protective mother. She was divorced and only had her son to care for. He accompanied our family to a sports event while there we bought everyone a hotdog. As we were putting the condiments on our food he just stood there. I asked him if there was a concern and he gave me this lost look and said he had never prepared his hot dog before and needed help. This may not sound unusual but the young man was 16-years-old. This behavior is cute when they are two but at sixteen we have a problem.

Our goal is to raise them to leave home, not enable them so they have to stay home!
 I have thought much about the fine line in doing too much for our children and doing too little to help them. Our goal should be to teach them to be industrious and self-reliant. How do we teach them to fish so they can feed themselves?

In this short article let me expound on only two points that can make a difference in your child’s life. First is example. I had two sons who bicycled across the United States. Upon arriving home they talked about all the economically diverse areas they had pedaled through. They were astounded that in the middle of the day some families would be sitting on their porches just watching the world pass by. Grandfather, father and sons were all sitting there at a home that was broken down and in need of repair. This made a great impression on my sons and we talked about how generational patterns are passed down from father to son-to-son and so on. Idleness is a disease that is taught not caught. Make a difference in your family and, as parents, set the example of industry. It is work that spells the difference in life. It is stretching our minds and utilizing the skills of our hands that lift us from mediocrity.

The second point is entitlement. Being compensated just because as individuals they exist is the wrong reason for receiving anything. You don’t get a car just because you turn 16. A day’s work for a day’s pay should be the rule not the exception. Just because you live in a family is not the reason for getting spending money. An allowance has value and meaning only when one puts forth commensurate work and takes upon oneself accountability. In a family unit everyone needs to pull together, chores should be expected. This teaches a responsibility outside of oneself and that we help take care of each other. A wise woman (my mother) once told me, “Never do anything for your children that they can do for themselves.”

The best concept you can teach your children is the joy in accountability and responsibility of oneself and those around them. There is a joy that comes in earning and paying your own way. We need to teach them how to fish to take care of their own needs but these teachings will be passed on to their own children as well. Your example and attitudes will influence generations yet to come.

Work is therapy for the soul.  We cannot simply sit around and do nothing and expect to be successful. We need to do all that is in our power to accomplish our goals.

Contributed by: Bev, from California

"For I Was An Hungered..."

And ye gave me meat: I was a stranger and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me…And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”  Matt. 25:35-40

Grandma, I love you!  Honestly, I don’t know who I would have become and where I would be if it were not for you. You are a perfect example of this scripture. What a blessing you have been to me.  Your amazing strength and compassion has literally saved my life.

People laugh when they see my baby blanket.  I giggle when I show them my 34-year-old treasure that now looks like a tiny rat’s nest of strings. But the story behind the smile isn’t really funny. I don’t know how many days and nights I spent out in the cold; I know that I was hungry; and I know that I was a precious little girl living in a drug infested world filled with physical, mental and emotional abuse. Thank heaven for my blanket and thank heaven for my grandmother.

Grandma already raised her three daughters; she called me number four.  It took four tries to finally get my name right when she would call me.  Grandma was my comfort when my mom was on a drug binge and could not be found.  She took me in from the streets, fed me, sheltered me and taught me right from wrong.  I found peace in her arms and joy in her sweet kisses.

I was taught the value of work, family, virtue, church, cooking and family recipes. My grandmother took me to school and church and eventually taught me responsibility and independence. All of these things may sound ordinary to the average person, but not to someone like me who lived through so much hardship.  Because of grandma, I am strong and have self worth.

I learned a lot about loving others unconditionally; seeing the positive things in people and in life. This understanding has helped me to turn my opinions and actions around. I received much counsel from her as she would tell me what she would do in certain situations, but she allowed me to make my own decisions and never judged me when I made my choice.

Grandma also taught me how to stand up for what is right and stand up against those who would harm me and others. These lessons have given me the ability to be a good judge of character.  With this knowledge, I am able to help others with their challenges in life. 

Now that I am grown there is not one day that goes by that I don’t think of her.  Grandma, you have served me my whole life. Your advanced stage of Alzheimer Disease has blessed me with the opportunity to give service to you in your time of need. You cannot speak to me or wrap your arms around me anymore, but your spirit is strong and sweet and ever-so-much an influence in my life.  I want you to know that you are a precious gift from God! You bring out in me the tender emotions and compassion allowing me to love and understand my own children, something I would struggle with if it were not for the example of motherhood that you have shown me. It’s my turn to feed and clothe you.  It is a blessing to comfort you in my arms and in my sweet kisses bring you joy.

Contributed by  Jessica from California

Single Parenting

After having lived the last thirty years as a single parent I have come to realize that the joys and pains aren’t any different for a single mother than a mother in a home with both parents.  The joys that are brought into our lives by our children are not determined by our marital status nor are the pains unique to us as a single parent.  

I do know from my personal experience, however, that there are numerous differences in the challenges, resources and energy for the single parent.  The fact that you must face the daily demands and problems all alone often times becomes overwhelming.  

When my kids were young my saving grace was having many good friends.  They listened with interest and shared ideas and offered love and encouragement when times were hard.  Sometime they took my kids for an afternoon so I could just have time for myself.  The lesson I am so grateful to have learned is we can choose the path we want to travel.  It can be hard or it can be harder.

I will share one of the hardest times and one of the most joyful times in the following story.  It was December and my kids were teenagers.  We had very little income and my time at home was limited.    I had shared with the kids that Christmas would be light and we would each be getting only one gift.  We would not get a tree until Christmas Eve so there would not be decorations all around until the day before Christmas.  We would find a tree on the lot when everyone had closed down and the remaining trees were free.

I had to work on Christmas day, which seemed rather discouraging but we would make the best of the holiday.  As  the week of Christmas came closer, my daughter called and asked if her roommate could come to our house on Christmas as she could not go home to her family.  I was a little embarrassed because we would not be having a fancy family dinner and I had no money to buy her friend a gift, but coming to our house was much better than sitting alone in an empty dorm room while everyone else went home.  

The boys and I picked the girls up from their dorm at 11:30 p.m. on Christmas Eve.  Singing and laughing for an hour as we drove home, all the while watching out the window for a tree lot.  It was freezing cold and the roads were covered with ice.   Finding an abandoned lot we exited the car and searched the deserted trees to find the perfect one.   The kids found this all quite amusing while I found it pretty darn creative.   After ten minutes we tied the tree to the top of the VW bus and away we went.

We decorated, sang and laughed as we shared popcorn and hot chocolate until the wee hours of the morning.   The pain of being poor and challenged was lifted from my shoulders as I watched the kids share with each other the joys of the season and being together.

Now thirty years later, each of the kids talk about stealing that Christmas tree and all the fun we had together.  They do not remember the pain and difficulties we experienced.  They remember the joy that was found through love and laughter and snuggling in front of the living room fireplace.   Joys and pains of being a single parent are many.  But the lessons we learn far outweigh the struggles and pain we encountered along the way. 

Contributed by Lauraine from California

Watching Your Children Grow

There is something extraordinary in watching your children grow up.  It all happens too fast...like one moment taking your child’s picture wearing a diaper and standing in Daddy’s shoes, and what seems like the next moment, buying that child his own first pair of size 10 shoes. 

For me, reality hit with the hand-me-down skirt that was given to my 7-year-old Becca that was sizes too big.  One morning she dressed herself, putting on that perfectly pink over-sized skirt.  She ran downstairs searching for me.  Standing there with the skirt draping on the floor, she asked, “Mommy, does this fit me yet?”  “No,” I answered.  She sighed and a sad look crept over her face.  “I’ll never be big enough.  I’ve tried it on every week and it still doesn’t fit!”  That moment imprinted on my heart.  “Stay little,” I thought.  “No....stay innocent, stay sweet, and stay my little girl.”  

So my quest became preserving that sweetness that children bring so naturally to families.  I try to take the perfect pictures.  I write in journals with them, and sometimes for them.  I kiss them when they are sleeping. At times when my husband and I are tempted to roll our eyes, we try to remind each other, “Someday we’ll miss that.”  

I think attempting to see the world from the perception and perspective of children is really healthy at times.  My youngest crawled in my bed one morning.  “What in the world I am I going to do when you leave me and go to kindergarten?” I asked.  “You’ll leave me all by myself at home.”  My Maryn had a brilliant 4-year-old answer.  “You can do the dishes. Then you can read or write in your journal.  And maybe you could sleep for a little minute.”  She amazed me with her important life components:  work hard, enjoy moments, and then rest.

The spiritual perception of children amazes me as well.  I was asked once, “Mom, I’m thinking about 2 people and they are brighter than the sun.  Who am I thinking about?”  That’s a girl that might quite possibly know more about God and Jesus Christ than I do.  And I still think of the time one daughter went to the Glory of Christmas production many years ago, and came home describing every detail of the live nativity.  Alex finally just had to ask, “Becca, did you go to Bethlehem?”  I think Bethlehem is actually quite near to children.

These kids grow up.  They have new desires and new appetites.  Alex at one point told me, “Mom, when I grow up I want to work in the judicial branch because I like to think about laws...like when there’s a drought, I can help people not waste water.  Or like saying don’t drive airplanes too low unless they are landing.”  Now he tells me he wants to be an engineer.  He will be.  But I think he will be committed to using just laws and discipline to be the best engineer he can be, just as he planned to use laws and discipline to be a great worker of the judicial branch.

By far, the greatest thing I can offer my growing children is my never-ceasing love for them.  From the moment I first held them in my arms, I committed to them my unconditional love.  Some days are easier to show love than others.  We all face disappointments, frustrations, thoughtless moments, and failures.  But I never want my kids to doubt I love them.  I want them to be confident like my Eliza who came home from school a few years back and declared, “Mom, when I’m Kinder of the Week, you can come and tell everybody you love me!”  Of course I will, I thought.  That’s exactly what I want the world to know.

Contributed by Amy from California

The Stranger In The Mirror

People always joke about a woman named “Molly”.  You know, the mythical woman who is perfect and does everything like a supermom.  She has a house full of children; her house is always perfect and hot meals are cooked every night.  She bakes cookies for the neighbors on a regular basis, works, does her family history, keeps a daily journal and her windows sparkle for heaven’s sake!  “Molly” looks like a million bucks in her homemade clothing, makeup and beautiful hair-do. Oh, yah, and she sews clothing for her perfect children.  Did I mention that when her husband comes home she greets him with a smile while he twirls her around and kisses her at the exact moment that her heel kicks up?

Everyone laughs when talking about “Molly”, except me.  “Molly”, describes my mother exactly, and I mean every detail!!!  I was so proud of myself when I called her at 10 o’clock one morning.  “Hi! mom!” I said, anxious to brag about all that I accomplished so far.  “I’ve already cleaned up the kitchen after making pancakes for the kids and I just finished making chili in the crock pot for tonight.” Then came her reply, “I’ve been busy, too.  I got up early to work outside, trimmed the hedges and raked up all of the leaves in the yard.  Then I took a shower and have just finished making home-made soup; the home-made rolls are rising on the stove.” My mother is absolutely incredible!  I find joy watching this amazing woman.

Over the last 12 years, my joy has become a heartache. Slowly, but surely, that dreadful Alzheimer Disease is taking the mother I have always known away.  This is a difficult journey for our family.  She lost her ability to read, watch TV and entertain herself in the early stages of this disease.  Our attitude of finding joy in the journey has helped us tremendously.

The day that mom met the stranger in the mirror is a blessing.  She found a new best friend!  Thankfully, there are many mirrors throughout the house. Mom pointed her finger at the stranger and smiled.  “You are a beautiful woman!” she said.  “Yes, you are….you’re beautiful!”  Mom giggled and so did her friend.  Day and night mom tried to coax her new found companion out of the mirror.  Mom reassured her own reflection that everything would be alright. 

I know that the mother I have always known is still there even though she cannot hold me or speak to me. She has spent a lifetime being kind to strangers and young people with problems.  It only seems natural that she would reach out in kindness to the stranger in the mirror.  For many years she has been kind to another stranger - me.  Although she is confined to a bed and sleeps most of the time, I find joy in knowing that she is still a “Molly”.

Contributed by Renee from California

Blending Families

Blending families together can be a challenging yet immensely rewarding opportunity.  Through my marriage to my husband, I have had the opportunity to be a mother to two wonderful young girls.  In the course of blending our family together as one, I learned many important lessons and tips to make things a bit easier on everyone involved (especially the children).

First of all, it is important to recognize that your immediate family unit comes first.  I will be forever grateful that my husband allowed me to step in as Mom and parent our girls.  Before marriage, we extensively discussed what our parenting roles would be and how we would work together to discipline and reward our children.  I believe this helped to create a smooth transition for us and keep consistency within our home.

After getting married I spent a lot of time getting to know my new daughters and working through fears and concerns they had.  It is important for children to feel loved and accepted, especially when feelings of doubt enter regarding sharing their biological parent with someone else.  Reassurance, new routines (no matter how mundane), and new family traditions help children to feel secure and loved within their family unit.  Knowing we wanted to add more children to our family, we wanted to make sure our girls knew they were equally important as any other children that would join our home.  One way I did this was to never refer them as my “step” children.  Through movies and television, step parents have been given a bad name which emulates them as evil tyrants who oppress and mistreat their “step” children.  By referring to the girls as my children they never had to question how much I love them or if things will be different when other siblings join the family.

After ensuring the immediate family unit is taken care of, it is important to address the concerns of extended families and reassure them that the children are doing well despite the changes within the home.  I am a firm believer that children can never have too many people in their lives that love them unconditionally, which includes grandparents on both biological sides.  I am extremely blessed that I have a strong, understanding relationship with my girl’s grandparents (on their biological mother’s side).  It was essential that I showed respect to the relationships that had been established well before I was in the picture.  The grandparents of course felt some uncertainty about what the future would hold; how often they would see their grandchildren, what happens if other children enter the family, etc.  I made it clear early on that I had no intentions of straining these relationships or pulling the children away. In fact I wanted the opposite.  I hoped we could spend holidays together and have frequent visits.  Through open communication and respect, we have been able to create a wonderful, loving environment for my girls in which we can all spend time together and enjoy each other’s company.  They are always welcome in our home and we use technology to stay close when face to face visits are impossible.

I am grateful for the opportunity that I have been given to be part of a blended family.  It has been such a rewarding process and it is amazing to see our family grow and become closer along the way.  My heavenly father has never left my side and has been there to provide inspiration and advice throughout my unique journey to motherhood.

Contributed by Stephanie from California

What Does It Mean To Be A Mother?

What does it mean to be a mother?  Over the past 14 years I've been blessed to be the mother to six of the most amazing kids in the world. 

We've had a great time together celebrating the normal, every day things of life; blowing bubbles, peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, homework, afternoons at the park, driving carpools here and there and everywhere. In many ways it was just how I had imagined it.

But a couple of years ago a new normal seemed to enter my life without warning. It seemed no matter where we went or what we did always ended up in the hospital. 

Gymnastics injuries, triathlon broken back and ribs, jump-roping broken hips, orthopedic surgeries, body casts, wheelchairs, hospital beds at home, numerous x-rays and MRIs.  You name it; we did it. And just when we thought the medical storms in our life had passed, I gave birth to a sweet and perfect baby girl with 3 heart defects. 

Nothing can prepare a mother for the words "your baby needs open heart surgery."  I sat in stunned silence staring blankly at the doctors as I processed this shocking news.  How could this be?

In the weeks and months that followed I learned a very different side of mothering that was new to me. I was rarely home at all and there was hardly time for the park or play dates or the other normal things of life.  I was in survival mode.

This is what I learned.  Sometimes being a mother means being brave even when you're not.  Sometimes it means taking your child to the doctor every single day.  It means being up night after night and getting up day after day even when you're so exhausted.  It means making it through one more day.  It means smiling even when you want to cry.  

These past few years of storms have been a blessing to me.  Sometimes in all the chaos I could see clearly what really mattered in life.  All the extra worries in my life just seemed to melt away as I focused on the important needs of my family.

As I walked out of the hospital in February I sat out front waiting for my husband to bring the car around.  We were so grateful to be taking our little miracle home who had endured so much in her short ten months.  As I sat there thinking of all that we had been through, I met a mom named Tracy.  She introduced me to beautiful baby girl named Skyler.  "What are you here for?" she asked me.  I responded that Claire had just had open-heart surgery a few days before. She was so sweet asking me questions about how we knew, her symptoms, and when we found out.  As my husband’s car pulled into view we started loading up our precious baby and hospital bags. I turned to her to say goodbye and wished her luck with her baby and asked what was she at Children's Hospital for. I learned that her sweet and perfect baby had cancer.

In that moment I realized that everyone has something they are dealing with.  Everyone.  Most of us are so aware of our own struggles that we don't see others' difficulties very clearly. But Ian MacLaren noted wisely, “Let us be kind to one another, for most of us are fighting a hard battle.”

Because that's what we do as mothers.

Contributed by Darcy from California

Are They Ready To Go?

After having our children home for a reunion I was amazed to see how easy it was for them to revert back into their childhood roles and pecking order even though some are responsible adults with children of their own.  This reverting back pertains to us mothers as well. Once you have mothered it is hard to stop, though fulfilling the role of grandmother eases the emptiness of not mothering your own children.  The best part of being a grandmother is watching the full circle of development…your children now become the parents of their own children and you sit back, watching how your parental training is being implemented by the next generation. 

While pondering their visit, ironically on my Internet popped up a list of childhood events outlining signs of developmental milestones regarding a child’s readiness to leave home.  I was curious to read someone else’s viewpoint on this topic since I’ve been through this process a few times now.  The events listed were very “text book” if I can use that expression. 1) Your child is able to leave your side for minutes at a time to play alone. 2)  They play at a friend’s home without you. 3) They can walk, ride a bike or take a bus to school. 4) They develop the ability to stay home alone.  You can see where this is going!  All events listed above display either a physical or basic emotional growth of a child. I couldn’t help think that these events just happen as a natural growth process without any thought or training. It is the behaviors we teach and characteristics developed that will help children, not only be ready to go off on their own, but to be confident in their ability to leave home and to give back to society in a positive manner. 

When do you really know that a child is ready to leave?  What do they need to learn before that time comes?  These are age old questions I’m sure since each child is so different.   Our teachings should go further than the text book development.  For every person reading this article they could provide as many different perspectives as to when we know a child is ready to leave home and with what attributes.  In my own experience I can personally suggest four attributes to be the most important in demonstrating when a child is ready to leave home. 

1. The ability to forgive others. 

2. The ability to show kindness. 

3. The ability to forgive self.

4. A willingness to serve those whom they associate with. 

As you look at these four characteristics you can see that they demonstrate maturing from childhood to adulthood.   It contrasts the development of a toddler in diapers with self-indulgent behavior like taking back their toy to a young man standing in a suit and tie ready to serve with thoughts and actions of giving himself and expressing his concern for others.  These traits are not developed overnight, and everyone on the road to maturity can relapse to self-absorbed behavior.  Thinking back on lessons taught these concepts are reinforced over and over again demonstrating to me that we are all children who are being taught how to leave home successfully.

Shortly after one of our children left for college he called complaining of homesickness and expressed his desire to leave school and return home.  With my mother’s heart I loved to hear those words but wisdom told me that this would be the worst thing.  I reminded him how excited he had been to go off on his own and to be away. I also reminded him of some of the contention that had taken place right before he left reinforcing his need to be on his own which develops the next stage of independence. I then suggested, “It is better to be homesick and away… than sick of home with no where to go.” Daily phone calls and emails helped the situation…or maybe it was just the thought of the alternative…being at home.  Having a choice always makes the situation better. Our children’s independence will come easier for them, with our ability to let them go.

Contributed by Bev from California

Showing Respect

I have never been so touched by a display of respect I observed while driving on the freeway one day. Several motorcycle police had stopped all oncoming traffic on the freeway.  I wondered if there had been an accident as fire engines were lined up on the overpass just ahead.  Firemen were standing at attention on top of their trucks. A large American flag had been lifted in the air by a huge crane.  Continuing on I soon noticed additional fire engines on the next upcoming overpass and then the next overpass as well.  How touched I was when I saw on the empty freeway a caravan of fire engines escorting a white hearse followed by the funeral party with their lights on.  I assumed it was the body of the fallen fireman who had lost his life in recent, devastating fires who was now being honored as he traveled home towards his final resting place.  I was in awe of the respect and honor shown to one of their own who had made the ultimate sacrifice in the service of others.  I was humbled by the reverence and respect displayed by police and fire personnel providing an open freeway while standing reverently at attention as he passed. 

What does this have to do with motherhood you may be asking? It has everything to do with motherhood.  Someone taught these men while they were young… respect for others, work ethics, to be service oriented, to go the extra mile, to not be afraid and to put others above self.  These police and firemen who serve us all had mothers who taught their sons and daughters these attributes. I pondered how no child would ever be emotionally scarred or burdened by being told frequently how great he/she is or how much he/she is loved or how much he/she could affect the world for good. 

When such a tragedy happens it makes us stop and think about what is most important in life.  As for me I came home and called my children and told them how much I loved them and how wonderful it is to be their mother.  Life is just too short to show anything but love, respect and concern for all those around us.  Our homes should be a place where reverence abounds, service is taught, gratitude is expressed and respect for others is the norm.  In witnessing truly happy homes I find family members grateful for what they have and desiring to help others with whom they come in contact.  A genuine respect for others is shown and shared.

Another great example of a different kind of respect happened the other night when we attended a dinner. At our table sat a Catholic priest, three Rabbis, three Muslims!  This made for interesting dinner conversation topics!  What did we have in common?  The answer is simple… a genuine respect for each other, respect for differing beliefs and a willingness to talk and listen, void of judgment.  What a wonderful night we shared together as we laughed, compared, conversed and discovered our similarities.  We enjoyed each other for who we are rather than who we thought each other should be! 

Respect for others is in short supply, causing contentions and disagreements. We can make a difference, maybe not in the big wide world but in the world that we have control over… our homes and our communities. It is in our homes where the basic attitudes of life and character are taught. "Good homes are still the best source of good humans." Neal A. Maxwell. 

Contributed by Bev  California, Mother  of the Year 2012

Motherhood, Comforting Those In Need

It was a bright winter day when my husband and I with our three-year-old ventured out on a walk for some exercise.  We stopped off at a park close to our home.  As my husband helped our son onto the swing, I noticed a car pulling up in the parking lot.  A few minutes later a young couple got out with a toddler. As they made their way through the park, the husband sat down on a bench at one end of the park holding the toddler and the mother sat on a different bench alone.  I could tell by their countenances that a terrible tragedy had happened.  Something told me to go sit by the young woman and I followed that prompting quickly.

I introduced myself to the lady and asked if there was anything I could do for her.  She wept and began to tell me about their nine-month-old daughter.  Yesterday for the entire day the daughter had been crying unconsolably.  There was no way to calm or soothe their child and they had been up all day and night tending to her needs.  Finally in the early morning hours they decided to take her to the hospital.  On the way the little girl stopped crying and it seemed to them as if she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. Upon arriving at the hospital they found that, instead of sleeping, she had passed away.  The parents were in shock and devastated.  How could this be?  The doctors discovered that the little girl had a tumor that had burst and this caused her unexpected and sudden death. 

As I sat by this beautiful young mother, I put my arms around her and we cried together.  I tried to comfort her the best I could and after a time she and her husband and toddler left the park.  A few months later I received a beautiful card left on my front porch thanking me for being her angel that day and being at the park for her during those very difficult hours.  Over the years I have learned that God will use mothers to help not only their own children, but also others around them. If we will listen and put our lives in harmony with Him, He will put us where we need to be as his angels on earth.  

Contributed by  Julie from California

Guilt Friend or Foe?

Abraham Lincoln once philosophized: “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?” I’ve heard it said that you need to know and meet your enemy head on. One such enemy is guilt which can easily become your best friend. With a proper attitude adjustment and discernment we can take Lincoln’s advice and “make the enemy a friend.”

I’ve had conversations with two mothers this past month on totally unrelated subjects but both expressed feelings of guilt about their respective situations. One mother expressed her concern as she looked upon her beautiful sleeping children at the end of a long hard day and felt badly that she yelled at them for minor wrongs. She expressed feelings of wanting to escape as soon as her husband walked in the door. She longed for the days when she had more time to herself. Those feelings caused her to think that she wasn’t a good mother and asked me what to do to eliminate the feelings of inadequacies and guilt.

Guilt is a positive evaluator in this scenario because it evokes self-evaluation. Do I get angry because I am out of sorts or was there really a need for anger? This emotion helps you to see yourself and evaluate where you need to improve. It prompts the question, if you will let it, “What you can do to improve the situation?” Feelings of guilt are good if they lead you to improve.

I remember being in her shoes when my personal self-evaluation took place. I started going to bed earlier and getting up earlier, which allowed me to prepare for the day by reading the scriptures and personal grooming before the children awakened. I learned that being prepared spiritually and physically got me through their tantrums and disobedience in a calm and loving manner. Guilt can become the positive force behind changes in our own behavior.

Another conversation arose when discussing the dilemma of working outside the home while trying to raise a family. This puts added pressure and stress on the family unit, but if circumstances dictate it, I know that with the right balance the family can be successful. Guilt comes as the counsel enters our minds that mothers need to be at home to raise their children and to this I wholeheartedly agree. There is a time and season for everything. But guilt will do us no good in this case. The question to ask yourself is, “Are you working outside the home to get away from what is inside the home?” On the other hand sometimes there are circumstances that require mothers to work outside the home. Feelings of guilt may lead to bitterness and those feelings of bitterness will filter down into your family and that will affect your children’s behavior more than having a job outside your home. How we handle our feelings and priorities is what makes the difference.

At no other time in history have women been so free to have their influence felt in the community as now. Basic survival was a daily routine in early history that encompassed every waking hour. Today life allows more discretionary use of time. If your circumstances are such that you work outside the home then use it for the benefit of good. I have thought that it is no coincidence that we women have been sent here in this time in history when our influence could be out in the world for everyone to see and from which others could benefit. How many lives can you touch and how many people will glean from your example as a righteous woman and mother? We women need to set an example to the world of what motherhood is and how fulfilling it can be.

Instead of feeling guilt, prioritize your values, keeping home first and foremost. Let guilt become your friend by using these feelings to focus on changing your own characteristics you need to work on. Your children will benefit from taking more responsibility. Take guilt and make it your friend. Guilt is not always a negative emotion. Let it guide you, not paralyze you.

Contributed by Bev from California