Abraham Lincoln once philosophized: “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?” I’ve heard it said that you need to know and meet your enemy head on. One such enemy is guilt which can easily become your best friend. With a proper attitude adjustment and discernment we can take Lincoln’s advice and “make the enemy a friend.”
I’ve had conversations with two mothers this past month on totally unrelated subjects but both expressed feelings of guilt about their respective situations. One mother expressed her concern as she looked upon her beautiful sleeping children at the end of a long hard day and felt badly that she yelled at them for minor wrongs. She expressed feelings of wanting to escape as soon as her husband walked in the door. She longed for the days when she had more time to herself. Those feelings caused her to think that she wasn’t a good mother and asked me what to do to eliminate the feelings of inadequacies and guilt.
Guilt is a positive evaluator in this scenario because it evokes self-evaluation. Do I get angry because I am out of sorts or was there really a need for anger? This emotion helps you to see yourself and evaluate where you need to improve. It prompts the question, if you will let it, “What you can do to improve the situation?” Feelings of guilt are good if they lead you to improve.
I remember being in her shoes when my personal self-evaluation took place. I started going to bed earlier and getting up earlier, which allowed me to prepare for the day by reading the scriptures and personal grooming before the children awakened. I learned that being prepared spiritually and physically got me through their tantrums and disobedience in a calm and loving manner. Guilt can become the positive force behind changes in our own behavior.
Another conversation arose when discussing the dilemma of working outside the home while trying to raise a family. This puts added pressure and stress on the family unit, but if circumstances dictate it, I know that with the right balance the family can be successful. Guilt comes as the counsel enters our minds that mothers need to be at home to raise their children and to this I wholeheartedly agree. There is a time and season for everything. But guilt will do us no good in this case. The question to ask yourself is, “Are you working outside the home to get away from what is inside the home?” On the other hand sometimes there are circumstances that require mothers to work outside the home. Feelings of guilt may lead to bitterness and those feelings of bitterness will filter down into your family and that will affect your children’s behavior more than having a job outside your home. How we handle our feelings and priorities is what makes the difference.
At no other time in history have women been so free to have their influence felt in the community as now. Basic survival was a daily routine in early history that encompassed every waking hour. Today life allows more discretionary use of time. If your circumstances are such that you work outside the home then use it for the benefit of good. I have thought that it is no coincidence that we women have been sent here in this time in history when our influence could be out in the world for everyone to see and from which others could benefit. How many lives can you touch and how many people will glean from your example as a righteous woman and mother? We women need to set an example to the world of what motherhood is and how fulfilling it can be.
Instead of feeling guilt, prioritize your values, keeping home first and foremost. Let guilt become your friend by using these feelings to focus on changing your own characteristics you need to work on. Your children will benefit from taking more responsibility. Take guilt and make it your friend. Guilt is not always a negative emotion. Let it guide you, not paralyze you.
Contributed by Bev from California
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